Relationship guru John Gottman[1] says 69 percent of the issues all couples face in their relation-ships never get resolved. 

If you’re in a relationship, two-thirds of the issues you will face (You never take the garbage out.  You always leave dirty dishes in the sink. You overdrew the checking account again…) will be irreconcilable. 

Intriguingly, however, the Masters of relationships do just fine despite neither partner ever coming around to the other’s viewpoint, but the Disasters of relationships crash and burn (fight or break up), Gottman says. 

Oh, by the way, where do you see yourself in this arena?  Are you a Master or a Disaster when it comes to personal relationships?

I tell couples I counsel, “Love is never enough.  Work at meeting each other’s primary relation-ship needs.  Then tackle your differences.”  Most couples I work with admit they don’t know their partner’s top relationship needs.  Do you know yours?

Before I married Diane 15 years ago, I asked her what her primary relationship needs were.  She replied, “I need to be worshipped and adored.”  I told her, “I worship God, but I’m willing to adore you.”   She replied, “That’ll work.”  And so far, it has.

Author Harville Hendrix[2] contends that most of us have relationship expectations at a subcon-scious level.  When we meet someone special, he says, we drape those expectations over the other person, unaware that we’re doing this.  We just expect the other person to intuit our relationship needs and are majorly unhappy when they don’t. 

In the movie, “Don Juan De Marco”, aging psychiatrist Marlon Brando has an epiphany when he’s in his 70’s and asks his wife of many years, Fay Dunaway, about her hopes and dreams.  She gets teary, and in one of the movie’s great lines, replies, “I thought you’d never ask.”  May I suggest that you and your partner (if you have one) might do well to ask about the other’s relationship needs if you’ve never done that.

But let’s switch gears now and examine some issues the two of you never get resolved? (You drive too fast.  You’re always on the phone.  You never pick up after yourself.  You’re too easy on the kids.  You spend way too much on…) How well you do will depend to what extent you’re a Relationship Master and not a Disaster.  Here are some points I make at men’s conferences about handling relationship issues.  Most of them should work for women as well.

1.  Just go along if It’s not life threatening.  Case in point.  Diane and I are empty nesters, but she likes to shop at COSTCO.   Ridiculous, I used to tell her, especially when it comes to pur-chasing produce.  Because COSTCO only sells larger quantities, lots of our produce goes bad before the two of us can eat it.  I used to complain about this.  Then I learned something.  Shopping at COSTCO (one of her few indulgences) brings her pleasure.   So I’ve learned to back off.  Sometimes I even help her unload the car and lug in the 500-lb. (just kidding) buckets of kitty litter she brings home.

2.  Pray (silently) when the matter is not resolvable.   Once when Diane was going off on something I did (I threw out one of her half-dead plants without asking her first), I told her I couldn’t believe we were even discussing such a mundane matter.  She assured me we were.  Finally in a brilliant stroke, I shut up, prayed silently for God’s intervention, and watched Him intervene.  And He really did.  By the next morning, we were fine again.

3.  Go from “you never” to “you always”.  Diane says when she’s tempted to tell me I “never” clean out the garage that she’s learned to say to herself, “But at least he empties the dish-washer.”  The point?  Practice saying something positive to yourself about your partner every time you get upset about a relationship difference.  Do this and your relationship will prosper.

4.  Choose to have low horizontal expectations.  By now you know you and your partner won’t agree on every topic, so cool your jets when disagreements arise.  And, remember, as my friend Clarence Schilt says, we tend to sin more when we’re right and right is not happening.  So once you’ve made your point, why do you have to control the outcome?  Do you always have to be right?  Why not give your partner permission to be wrong once in a while!

5.  Be sure you’re emptied of self if you’re dying for a good relationship.  Self is the enemy most to be feared.  So make the choice every day for the Holy Spirit to drain off all of your natural self, replacing it with a brand new Jesus self (“It’s no longer I who live, but Christ Who lives in me.”—Galatians 2:20)  This won’t make you a wimp; it will simply enable you to be more balanced in knowing when to take a stand and when not to in dealing with your differences.

Remember, (if Gottman got it right), all of us should expect our relationship differences to never get resolved.  But you and your partner can sail along smoothly anyway IF you become a Relationship Master.  It’s your call, of course.  Some folks would rather fight.  I hope you’re not one of them.

_____________________________________________________________________________  Mike Jones leads seminars on reconnecting with inactive members and does a certain amount of couple counseling.  His newest books are entitled Help, Lord, I Blew It Again and Sometimes I Don’t Feel Like Praying.  Reach him at www.reconnectnow.org or mjones@paclink.com.  

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