Dear Counselor: I am a 30-something man with a good job, a good attitude and reasonably good looks. I am happily single, and that is the source of the problem. I’m constantly being approached by well-meaning church members, friends and family with someone they feel I must meet. They assume I’m unhappy without a mate, or that I’m secretly gay. They’re wrong on both counts, but how do I convince them otherwise?
Dear Friend:
Although it happens much less now than in the past, many cultures including ours consider marriage as the most desirable lifestyle. It is especially so in church circles where family life is highly respected as God’s original plan for men and women. But today’s society has little to do with the time of creation and the reality is that neither marriage nor singlehood is a guarantee of happiness.
The truth is that some will continue to put pressure on you and you need to tell them kindly that marriage is a personal choice to be made by those involved and not by others. In your conversation with those well-meaning church members, friends and family, consider the following suggestions:
1. Outline your speech. Know what you are going to tell them: simple reasons why you, for the time being, are not seeking a partner, and how well you feel being single—in your job, relating to your friends and family, and leading a successful life.
2. Emphasize the altruistic reasons why one might choose to remain single rather than the egotistical ones: better service to your community rather than more time for yourself, more time to commune with God rather than less effort to have to adjust to life with a partner, etc.
3. If the person believes in the Bible, you may explain (without sermonizing) that even the Bible praises godly single people such as Elijah, Daniel, Jeremiah, John the Baptist, Paul, and Barnabas. Paul specifically approves of both states, single and married (1 Corinthians 7).
4. Be correct, respectful, and make use of good manners. At the same time, state your position clearly and firmly.
5. Do not use threats. Instead, make sure you explain to them that you know they mean well and they just want to help, but that you need to be respected and protected from pressure in this very personal area.
6. Request that they refrain from pressuring you or joking about the matter. If you ask them courteously and respectfully, people will honor your wish.
7. Remember to converse with a smile and with a positive tone. Otherwise, they may conclude that you are sour and will continue to be so until the day you marry!
Lastly, nourish your relationship with the Lord every day. If you reflect Jesus in your life, others will perceive you not as a single young man but rather as Jesus’ follower and friend.
Dear Counselor is a service of Julian Melgosa, Linda Ivy and Austin Archer of the Walla Walla University School of Education and Psychology.