Dear Counselor: My boyfriend has recently become ultra-religious. He is constantly reading spiritual books or watching sermons on video. I feel he has become entirely unbalanced to the point where he has no desire to just spend time with me. While I appreciate and love spiritual things, I believe there are other areas of life which are also important. What can I do to help him understand how his attitude is affecting me and his other friends?
Dear Friend:
If as a result of all the religious readings and sermon viewings, your boyfriend is not becoming increasingly kind, courteous, compassionate, and aware of others’ needs, perhaps he is getting into the path of fanaticism. You may be in a position to help him lead a more balanced life.
In order to do so, ask God for an extra measure of tact, patience, and wisdom for a caring attitude and appropriate messages to your boyfriend. Remember Solomon’s words: The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent, and their lips promote instruction. Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:23-24).
A good way to start is by discussing with him a number of activities you both enjoy. Then suggest that you spend time together reading devotional books (or watching sermons). You want to state clearly that you appreciate and love spiritual things. Exchanging religious ideas and insights can be quite an uplifting experience. But also explain to him that, after the devotional activities, you both need to engage in other healthy pastimes that will make your relationship whole.
In your communication about his excessive devotion to spiritual things, do not sermonize or nag. Rather, recognize his religious fervor but also the need to be balanced and to participate in multiple activities. It may be helpful to involve other friends in those activities so that he is exposed to a variety of people and styles, which may help to broaden his exclusive religious emphasis. At an appropriate time, you can explain to him that Jesus spent time with the Father in prayer, but also socialized with his best friends: Lazarus, Martha and Mary. About this friendship, Ellen G. White says: “His heart was knit by a strong bond of affection to the family at Bethany… often, when weary, thirsting for human fellowship, He had been glad to escape to this peaceful household… Our Saviour appreciated a quiet home and interested listeners. He longed for human tenderness, courtesy, and affection.”—The Desire of Ages, pp. 524-525.
As time goes on, your careful and loving efforts should bring positive results. But if your prayerful attempts to bring your mutual relationship to a more balanced position are fruitless, interpret it as a sign that you may need to re-evaluate the relationship.
Dear Counselor is a service of Julian Melgosa, Linda Ivy and Austin Archer of the Walla Walla University School of Education and Psychology.
Dear Counselor is a service of Julian Melgosa, Linda Ivy and Austin Archer of the Walla Walla University School of Education and Psychology.