Dear Counselor:  I am a 30-something man with a good job, a good attitude and reasonably good looks. I am happily single, and that is the source of the problem. I’m constantly being approached by well-meaning church members, friends and family with someone they feel I must meet. They assume I’m unhappy without a mate, or that I’m secretly gay. They’re wrong on both counts, but how do I convince them otherwise?

Dear Friend:

Although it happens much less now than in the past, many cultures including ours consider marriage as the most desirable lifestyle.  It is especially so in church circles where family life is highly respected as God’s original plan for men and women.  But today’s society has little to do with the time of creation and the reality is that neither marriage nor singlehood is a guarantee of happiness.  

The truth is that some will continue to put pressure on you and you need to tell them kindly that marriage is a personal choice to be made by those involved and not by others.  In your conversation with those well-meaning church members, friends and family, consider the following suggestions:

1.       Outline your speech.  Know what you are going to tell them: simple reasons why you, for the time being, are not seeking a partner, and how well you feel being single—in your job, relating to your friends and family, and leading a successful life. 

2.       Emphasize the altruistic reasons why one might choose to remain single rather than the egotistical ones: better service to your community rather than more time for yourself, more time to commune with God rather than less effort to have to adjust to life with a partner, etc.

3.       If the person believes in the Bible, you may explain (without sermonizing) that even the Bible praises godly single people such as Elijah, Daniel, Jeremiah, John the Baptist, Paul, and Barnabas.  Paul specifically approves of both states, single and married (1 Corinthians 7).   

4.       Be correct, respectful, and make use of good manners.  At the same time, state your position clearly and firmly.

5.       Do not use threats.  Instead, make sure you explain to them that you know they mean well and they just want to help, but that you need to be respected and protected from pressure in this very personal area.

6.       Request that they refrain from pressuring you or joking about the matter.  If you ask them courteously and respectfully, people will honor your wish.  

7.       Remember to converse with a smile and with a positive tone.  Otherwise, they may conclude that you are sour and will continue to be so until the day you marry!

Lastly, nourish your relationship with the Lord every day.  If you reflect Jesus in your life, others will perceive you not as a single young man but rather as Jesus’ follower and friend.

Dear Counselor is a service of Julian Melgosa, Linda Ivy and Austin Archer of the Walla Walla University School of Education and Psychology.

Dear Counselor: My boyfriend has recently become ultra-religious. He is constantly reading spiritual books or watching sermons on video. I feel he has become entirely unbalanced to the point where he has no desire to just spend time with me. While I appreciate and love spiritual things, I believe there are other areas of life which are also important. What can I do to help him understand how his attitude is affecting me and his other friends?

Dear Friend:

If as a result of all the religious readings and sermon viewings, your boyfriend is not becoming increasingly kind, courteous, compassionate, and aware of others’ needs, perhaps he is getting into the path of fanaticism.  You may be in a position to help him lead a more balanced life.   

In order to do so, ask God for an extra measure of tact, patience, and wisdom for a caring attitude and appropriate messages to your boyfriend.  Remember Solomon’s words: The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent, and their lips promote instruction. Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:23-24). 

A good way to start is by discussing with him a number of activities you both enjoy.  Then suggest that you spend time together reading devotional books (or watching sermons).  You want to state clearly that you appreciate and love spiritual things.  Exchanging religious ideas and insights can be quite an uplifting experience.  But also explain to him that, after the devotional activities, you both need to engage in other healthy pastimes that will make your relationship whole.

In your communication about his excessive devotion to spiritual things, do not sermonize or nag.  Rather, recognize his religious fervor but also the need to be balanced and to participate in multiple activities.  It may be helpful to involve other friends in those activities so that he is exposed to a variety of people and styles, which may help to broaden his exclusive religious emphasis.  At an appropriate time, you can explain to him that Jesus spent time with the Father in prayer, but also socialized with his best friends: Lazarus, Martha and Mary.  About this friendship, Ellen G. White says: “His heart was knit by a strong bond of affection to the family at Bethany… often, when weary, thirsting for human fellowship, He had been glad to escape to this peaceful household… Our Saviour appreciated a quiet home and interested listeners.  He longed for human tenderness, courtesy, and affection.”—The Desire of Ages, pp. 524-525. 

As time goes on, your careful and loving efforts should bring positive results.  But if your prayerful attempts to bring your mutual relationship to a more balanced position are fruitless, interpret it as a sign that you may need to re-evaluate the relationship.

Dear Counselor is a service of Julian Melgosa, Linda Ivy and Austin Archer of the Walla Walla University School of Education and Psychology.

Dear Counselor is a service of Julian Melgosa, Linda Ivy and Austin Archer of the Walla Walla University School of Education and Psychology.

I am preparing to mentor a coworker in my present occupational field as he tries for the fourth time to pass a certification test.  He has worked in our field for 10+ years, and he knows his stuff, but he absolutely comes unglued when it comes time for any test.  I have seen him fret and stew for five minutes over one question instead of moving on and coming back when he’s made it through the test.  He hyperventilates, sweats, and shows all sorts of other signs of anxiety.  What can I do to help him diminish his anxiety?

Dear Sam,

It is certainly frustrating to be knowledgeable in something and be unable to demonstrate it because of the anxious barrier.  There are a number of things your colleague can do and you can certainly help in the process:

1. Overlearning.  To study above and beyond the point of initial mastery is highly recommendable to those with test anxiety.  Study the content over and over again leads to automaticity of response.  Your colleague would not forget his home address even in a situation of high arousal because he has learned it too well. 
2. Rehearsal.  The more he takes tests under similar circumstances (in a classroom) or computer terminal, the less tension he will experience.
3. Relaxation.  If he approaches the beginning of a practice test in a state of relaxation and maintains it using breathing and self-instruction messages, he may get involved in the task and forget his anxiety.
4. Self-help group.  Some with this problem are helped tremendously by temporarily joining a group of persons with the same problem.  Doctors’ and psychologists’ offices frequently post advertisements to this effect or have names of people that are looking for others to meet and gain insight from each other. 
5. Prayer.  If your friend is a man of faith, he will benefit from prayer in order to achieve a more relaxing state and receive the support and power that come from God.  Doing this fervently in preparation for the exam and at intervals during the actual assessment has a profound effect on the believer. 

Lastly, it could be that your friend suffers from a severe case of anxiety and then he needs to see a psychologist.  Psychologists use cognitive-behavioral techniques to deal with fears and phobias that are reported to be effective in about 80% of the cases treated.  Also, professional associations and examining boards usually have policies to make accommodations (typically a more relaxing environment to write the text or additional time to take it) to those with anxiety who have been properly diagnosed.

I hope you will be able to use some of the above advice and that your colleague may soon overcome this barrier.

Dear Counselor is a service of Julian Melgosa, Linda Ivy and Austin Archer of the Walla Walla University School of Education and Psychology.

Dear Counselor: I used to send texts from my cell phone in a normal way, but lately I have noticed texting has become an obsession.  I send texts to all my friends and I keep sending to those who reply.  I know it doesn’t make sense, but when I am left without anyone to send to, I just text to myself! At times it is almost impossible to keep my hands off the cell phone.  Do you have good advice for me?

– Rick.

Dear Rick,

Yes, some items of modern technology are habit forming and we all should be alert not to lose control. Let me assure you that there is something you can do, especially if you claim God’s promises, such as “do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

As a first step, I would suggest that you place your cell phone in the hands of your best friend for three to four weeks, and have him/her take care of your calls and messages and keep you informed of the truly important matters.  It may be hard at the beginning, but it is the best way to break the habit. 

During these three or four weeks of ‘treatment,’ keep yourself productively busy.  Get involved in physical exercise, sports, or household work.  Activity outdoors is the best to break those invisible threads that take your hands to the mobile device.   Get connected to people in action and, if possible, get involved in some ministry where you can help someone in need.   Lastly, use this recovery time to intensify your spiritual life—allocate daily time to Scripture reading and prayer in solitude and do not fail to participate in corporate worship as well.  Memorize Isaiah 41:10 (or any other encouraging verse) and repeat it to yourself throughout the day as you utter a short prayer.

As days go by, you will start feeling and increasing sense of the presence of God and additional control over your own life and actions.  Once you feel comfortable, you can get your cell phone back, but you must commit yourself to limit your messages to the absolute minimum and keep reporting to your friend on how you are doing.  Remember, if you get back to the old habit, the situation will become more complicated and you may need professional help.

Dear Counselor is a service of Julian Melgosa, Linda Ivy and Austin Archer of the Walla Walla University School of Education and Psychology.

Dear Counselor: Things have gotten complicated in my life over the last few weeks. At present, I am facing several legitimate worries. As a result, I am beginning to experience a few symptoms that do not go away—hopeless thoughts, insomnia, loss of appetite, and lack of energy. I don’t want to become depressive. Please give me some tips to overcome these symptoms.

– Cambria

Dear Cambria: You are correct to be concerned about Depression, as all of the symptoms you describe are possible signs of a depressive episode. It is a big advantage that you are aware of these symptoms and are trying to address them before they get the best of you.

One of the most reliable ways to reduce symptoms of depression is physical exercise. Going for  a walk outdoors can be a very powerful anti-depressant! If possible, have a friend or family member go with you on regular walks where you can talk and enjoy nature while you exercise. If walking outdoors is not an option, try to find another form of exercise you enjoy that you can do on a consistent basis, even if it is using an exercise video in your own home.

Another important factor in fighting depression is to monitor carefully the type of information your brain receives and processes during the day. What type of music, films, or books do you regularly hear or see? What type of people do you spend time with? It turns out that the counsel Paul gives in Philippians 4:8 is sound psychological advice: Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things (NIV). Paul seemed to understand the importance of focusing our thoughts on positive things. This does not mean to “think positive” in the sense that we ignore our legitimate problems and pretend all is well, but rather that we surround ourselves with positive images, sounds, and environments as much as possible. If you have a choice as to what books to read, movies to watch, and music to hear, try to keep in mind Paul’s advice.

Having a routine schedule for eating, sleeping, working, and relaxing can also be helpful in fighting symptoms of depression. Even if you do not feel like eating, or cannot sleep due to insomnia, it is important to set aside time for those things and “go through the motions” even if you are not hungry or sleepy.

Make a list of things that you enjoy doing. Include several items on the list that cover a range of experience. For example, include some activities that are free and some that cost money; activities that are done with others, and some that you enjoy alone; indoor and outdoor activities; activities that take a short amount of time, and some that take a whole day. Once you have several activities, arrange to do at least one thing on your list each day. Treat these as your “medicine” to get well, rather than thinking about them as a “luxury” that you cannot afford.

Finally, if you feel as though nothing is helping and your hopeless feelings continue, consider seeking professional help. Depression is a very real disorder and should not be taken lightly. The good news is that our brains can change from patterns of depression. In some cases, however, medication is appropriate and necessary in order to help the brain recover from its chemical imbalance and establish more healthy neural pathways.

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Dear Counselor is a service of Julian Melgosa and staff from the Walla Walla University School of Education and Psychology.